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from The Future Starts Now.
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The Emotional Scuba Suit
How we protect ourselves
from things that aren't happening.
Recently
I had cause to sing along to the John Denver classic "Sweet
Surrender". Please bear
with me, this
doesn't really reflect my usual musical taste! But there's a line
in it that goes "Like a fish in the water, Like a bird in the
air". Or that's how it SHOULD go. But I just keep singing instead "Like a bird
in the water, Like a fish in the air". And then I have a drowning bird and
a gasping fish in my head. Not
the right imagery for a song that's supposed to be about surrendering
to the natural process of life, allowing oneself to be care free
and supported by the world around us.
For a bird, its "natural" environment, in which it
can live care-free and supported, is the air; for a fish, it is
the water. But swap them around and one creature's life support
system is another creature's death trap. But does a bird have anxiety
about being trapped underwater? Does a fish have air phobia? All
this rather odd imagery got me thinking about the way we often behave
emotionally - as though we might drown or suffocate at any moment
if we allow our emotions to overwhelm us.
As humans
we are uniquely worried about what "might be". We are able to think backwards into the
past and especially forwards into the future - in fact we rarely
do anything else. We are always either going over the events of
the past - reliving the pain and enjoying or grieving over lost
pleasures; or planning the future - anticipating future pain and
hoping for new pleasures.
Anytime we
get upset or anxious about the past or the future, we are creating
emotional reactions in ourselves to events that AREN'T HAPPENING.
They might have happened a few minutes ago, or yesterday or when
you were five. Or they might be about to happen in 10 seconds time,
or tomorrow or in 20 years time. Or never.
But reacting
to something that hasn't happened yet is like wearing diving gear
when you're not going diving. Our fear of the future is our emotional
scuba suit. So why do we do it?
Fear and anxiety
about what might happen, are, ironically, an attempt to avoid worse
fear and anxiety in the future. The fear of anticipation is intended
to help us avoid the thing we are afraid of. That person may reject
us, a spider or rat might appear at any moment, that activity might
remind us of something that happened before. The mind hopes that
if it can make us scared enough of something, we will avoid it,
it won't happen, and we will be spared true pain and fear.
The trouble is, we like to think we are conscious, rational beings.
We also think we are land dwellers - while being so dependent on
water that we have to carry around several pints of it in our bodies
just to function normally, and we create mini oceans inside ourselves
every time we create a new one of us. And so it is with our emotions.
We think we are thought dwellers, risen out of the emotional oceans
and walking about in the land of conscious, rational thought. But
we can't make a single decision without using the emotional fuel
of preference; we can't make a single plan without first having
desire; we can't solve a single problem without first disliking
the current state of affairs.
Emotions
aren't just a by-product of living - they are what gives life its
flavour and they are the fuel for our relationships, our dreams
and our ambitions.
But many of us live permanently in our emotional scuba suits - no
matter how hot and uncomfortable it might feel sometimes. The fear
of what might happen if we take it off, completely outweighs the
discomfort of wearing it night and day, year after year.
We have become
afraid of the very thing that makes us fully alive - our feelings.
EFT can of
course help to dissolve any negative or unpleasant feelings triggered
by thinking about the past or the future. But equally as useful
is an attitude shift: "Is the thing I am having a feeling about
happening now? Or is it in the past or the future?" Simply
by noticing that the event isn't happening right now, the process
of detachment begins. And as the fear of being overwhelmed by feelings
is reduced, it becomes possible to think about taking off the scuba
suit and sometimes walking around without it - or even going for
a swim and exploring your emotions quite safely, in the knowledge
that not only can you control them whenever you need to (with EFT),
you can also feel the sensation of feeling fully human and fully
alive, skinny-dipping in the natural internal habitat of your own
emotions.
Looking for the
"one in a million"?
How about fifteen?
If you
can't find a partner, it's probably not due to a shortage of people
to choose from.
Did you know
that according to Census statistics, there are over 12.5 million
single people in the UK, plus nearly 4.5 million who are separated
or divorced?
So how come it's so hard to find a mate that's compatible?
Answer: Emotions!
There may be a million people out
there in your age range - but for many people it can feel like there
are also a million emotional barriers to building a successful relationship
with one of them. These barriers include things like:
• Unresolved
feelings about past relationships (love, hate, grief, anger, resentment,
guilt)
• Past hurts and rejections making it difficult to trust new people
or open up to them.
• Negative beliefs about "Men" or "Women"
• Beliefs about yourself ("I'm too old", "I'm
not attractive", "I'm unlucky in love")
• Shyness and lack of confidence in social situations - making it
hard to get started
• Fear of rejection or being hurt
• Fear of hurting someone else
If you're in your
30's, 40's or 50's and have had relationships in the past, at least
some of these issues probably apply to you.
There's a
famous poem that advises:
"Love as though
you've never been hurt"
Which means: To get a fresh start
with a new partner, you need to get a fresh start with yourself
first. Which sounds great. But HOW can you do that?
EFT
offers a way to deal with all these emotions and lay them to rest
where they belong - in the past!
So if you're considering
looking for a new relationship, consider giving yourself an emotional
"spring clean" first. With a New Year not far around the
corner, it could be time to Ring out the Old and Ring in the New.
EFT helps with "leisure
performance"
Playing better and enjoying
your game
There is much talk of
using EFT to improve sports performance, and golf seems to be a
favourite application - reducing handicaps, improving scores, getting
rid of golfing jitters and so on.
A recent case showed
me a different side to performance however. I worked with a lady
in her mid-sixties who had been playing golf for 15 years, purely
as a social activity and to get some exercise. In her 15 years she
had always been the worst player at her club and had the biggest
allowable handicap. But apart from her terrible scoreline, she also
dreaded playing. She felt other players getting very impatient with
her - and she would get very impatient with herself, especially
at particular holes.
We did EFT on a variety of aspects.
Some related to her attitude to herself and her abilities. Some
related to specific holes and areas of the golf course that she
found particularly difficult.
-
"Even though I think I'll always be the worst player..."
- "Even though I don't
think I'll ever improve..."
-
"Even though I always lose my ball in this hedge..."
I also added in some Choices rounds at the end of the session:
- "Even though I'm a terrible
player, I choose to feel confident and enjoy my game"
-
"Even though I usually botch this hole, I choose to remember
this hole is no harder than any of
the others"
Two weeks later she rang me and told me
that for the first time ever, she had got the best score for the
"back 9" of all the people playing in a particular tournament.
She had even won some prizes for it which she offered to give me
as a thank you. And her handicap - previously unmovable for 15 years,
had been cut because of the improved scores she was getting. I don't
know who was more astonished - me or her!
But perhaps
best of all, she said she now felt totally different while playing.
Holes and obstacles that would previously cause huge nerves and
tension, she now approached with a very relaxed attitude. The social
aspects of the game had markedly improved for her too, as players
who had previously avoided playing with her were now asking her
to play on their team.
There must be many, many people
who play sport as a hobby with no particular desire to excel or
achieve any particular standard - but who would nevertheless like
to enjoy their game rather than having it be one more thing in their
lives to feel useless or stressed about. So next time you're off
for a round of golf, perhaps try a few rounds of EFT first!
Gary's Corner
Gary Craig, the originator of EFT maintains an excellent website packed with real case histories. Each month I select case histories that really show the power and range of EFT.
This month:
Some examples of using EFT to help golf performance:
Golf improvement--from the mid 90's to the 70's
Expert golfers, EFT and comfort zones
There are many other golf and sport-related case histories on Gary's website.
Learn EFT now! You can start using EFT for yourself right now by downloading my EFT QuickStart manual.
Upcoming events:
Less Stress Fast
workshop.
Harmony Centre, Halesworth, Suffolk. Saturday 8th November 2003
Holistic Craft
and Health Fayre.
Woodbridge Community Centre. Saturday 6th and Sunday 7th December
2003.
Information and free short taster sessions available. Formal lecture
at 3.30pm, Saturday.
